Cheating with a married woman is safer

I follow pop culture. Well, as it concerns celebrity gossip sha. I will not come here and tell you that I don’t derive pleasure in reading about rich and famous people mess up. Come on, it’s too much fun to hear that, despite their money and status, celebrities misbehave like the rest of the normal human race. Because, forget all those denials by David Beckham and Ashton Kutcher, I don’t believe for a second that they didn’t step out on their wives.

I don’t even blame the women they slept with for selling their stories to magazines. If they had been Naija babes, I would say for sure that their ‘services’ were well compensated with serious cash, houses, and cool rides. Over there, I suppose a man gives you a kiss on the cheek, and thinks he’s done you a favour for showing you his peepee. That’s why, although a greater part of me was appalled by the revelations, I think Tiger Wood is da man! That fella had 13 porn-stars on speed-dial. He wanted professional service, nothing personal. I only hope he paid them well for their time.

That said, I have an easy solution to David and Ashton’s problem of silly girls who can’t shut their trap. All men in Nigeria getting their freak on by the side are welcomed to this kind and free invaluable advice, of course. So, what is this simple ingenious way out? Date a woman who has something to lose by blabbing. Duh! You need an example? A married woman.  Ehen, all of you are widening your eyes and acting as if it never happens. Right! But, wouldn’t you say that’s exactly the appeal? Everything is hush-hush.

Let’s look at it this way:

1. You tell less lies: she most probably doesn’t want you to marry her. So, you don’t have to make her stick around by keeping her hopes up by spinning her long tales of how you and the missus are on the verge of divorce. Or make up stories you’d have troubles keeping straight, about how terrible a wife madam is. In fact, it might be good you don’t even go that route, because she might just come to her defense instantly, knowing that her husband could be singing the same song about her. In this relationship, it is perfectly okay not to mention your wife at all. If you irritate her by talking about your woman all the time, she’d retaliate by drumming about her own man. 1:1, no return match.
2. If she gets pregnant, you don’t need to start arranging some clandestine abortion: Well, that depends on whether you are white, while she and her husband are blacker than charcoal. In which case, you know what to do. (Yes, I know all of you are shouting abortion is a sin. If only half of you remember that when you’re passing cash to that chick you impregnated).
3. She understands family time: She won’t give you grief if you skip on a date to take bomboy to the hospital. Chances are she too has taken rain-checks a couple of times, say because husband threw her a surprise party. So, no sulking and refusing to pick your call.
4. She will not call you at home: Simple! Because you’d do the same to her, and she’d get into a whole lot more trouble than you. If she’s sending you text messages, she’ll code it very well. Should missus mistakenly answers her calls, she would make a quicker and smoother come-back than those university children who don’t know their left from their right.
5. Far less suspicion: Why? Because she is married!
6. You spend less: You’ll not be buying her a car, flamboyant jewels, and all their sisters. Not unless you want to have her called to the village to explain things. Anything that will expose an extra finance is totally discouraged. Even if she opens a secret bank account for you to be piling money in, she can’t spend it. Unless she’s one smart lady and decides to go acquiring houses all over Lekki and Banana Republic.
7. The last and most crucial reason of all, why we are even talking about this - when the romance sours, babe will shut the eff up! Who will she tell? What will she say you did to her? Oya, she should try it. Maybe she wants to be dragged to court for custody hearing.

So, you see.

Of course, with every ‘good thing’, there is a bad side to it. The woman is married. So, God help you if the husband can finish your life if he finds out. Moreover, giving our ever-innocential ladies a benefit of doubt, you’d find less women willing to risk divorce and having her kids taken away from her for a few romps in the hay. So, you might need to do a lot of scouting before you can get that perfect partner in crime.

Disclaimer: I’m not promoting immorality; just pointing out the things that are going down in this world. That said, if any of you follow my advice, and you’re caught, no be me send you message.