Ugo Chime plays Aunty Abby

The other day, I received an email that shocked me. Yes, I shock easily, but this one was particularly unexpected because I did not realise that I had become a sort of sexpert. Let me just go straight to the email:

Hi Ugo,

‎I just read your article. ‎I don't know if you may be the right person to ask. ‎I really seek your advice.  ‎I was sexually active before my marriage to my wife who was a virgin.‎ I am creative when it comes to sex and seek many ways to satisfy my wife.‎ I don't do enhancers but am active and can go on and on.

My wife really is not active at all. ‎I beg most of the time for sex. ‎I could travel without a "one-for-the-road" or a welcome note even when ‎I had set the motion on phone. We could go 1 month without, unless ‎I get angry. It would just be that ‎I should come and enter. We "made love" last about 3 years ago.

We have two children. However, sometimes she sleeps nude, but when ‎I try to make us go on foreplay, touches and all that she says she is tired and we should wait till morning. Alas, when morning comes, preparations for school-run takes it away and she would have her bath and off to work. It could go on for a week until I complain. It’s just the same lines...... “Ok, come and enter.” And her mind will not be there. ‎I don't enjoy sex if both our minds are not there at all. She might just be telling me office stories when we are having sex, and it puts me off. Moreover, if ‎I want to suck her clitoris, she would tell me to stop. That she heard that saliva will cause some problem to her womb.

What can ‎I do for her? ‎I have been masturbating just to get relief but ‎it can never be like the real thing. Please advice as ‎I can't think of cheating.

Immediately, I read this, I freaked out. I mean, what do I say to a man who is having troubles with his wife? This is not a situation where I can make general statements based on experience, observations, and things I read up on the Internet. This is someone’s life! A bad or insensitive advice can really do some harm. Nonetheless, I sent back this reply:

Dear TJ,

Well, speaking as a woman, I think maybe your wife has been a virgin a little too long. All those years of restrain may have become a habit for her, and thus she has not learnt to let herself go. It's either that, or she doesn't have a very high libido. This is not a bad thing in itself. It’s only that it's not compatible with yours. So, I think that's the first thing you should accept. Nothing is wrong with her! She's just different from you. However, here are some of my thoughts:

1.     Try to talk to her in a non-judgmental way. Try to make her understand your needs, and especially your commitment to her. I'm very sure she does want to please you as much as she can.

2.    If however, her improvement is not up to what you consider satisfactory, I'll suggest you work on your expectation. Rome was not built in a day. It'll take some time for someone to go with once-a-week sex to twice-a-day, for example. So, lower your expectation. Take it easy. She'll get there, but slowly.

3.    I usually tell people to watch sexy movies with their spouses, but religion gets in the way of that advice. Someone will then tell me how pornography is sin. However, no need to throw away the baby with the bathwater. If your wife will be uncomfortable with hardcore porn, you could watch soft-porn; those ones that suggest at sex without it really happening. I believe women like implied sex far more than one that is in their face. 

Remember that child birth affects a woman's libido. She has these little ones to worry about. And if you're living in Lagos, there's also traffic to worry about in addition to money, housekeeping, and all the like. Nonetheless, keep touching her whether or not she's in the mood for sex. In fact, touch her especially when she's not in the mood for sex (light touches that are not demanding that she respond accordingly, mind you.) The more you touch, the less she associates touching to 'he's come again to disturb me now.' She'd feel better when she's less anxious. 

This might not suit you, but I think you should stop giving in to sex with her when she's not interested. Would you make love to a tree? No. So, don’t make love to a human pretending to be one. If she asks you why, tell her it's because you get no joy from making love in her when she’s frozen. Hopefully, she'd start making more efforts to be participatory when she really understands how much you cherish her being in the moment. If she starts discussing work during the act, stop her! Because if you continue, probably telling yourself that half bread is better than puff-puff, you're only encouraging the behavior. So, stop!

Another thing, you say you're creative. The thing is, not everybody has the same sexual palate. Some people want it simple. Anything too 'exotic' turns them off. They may not say it, but when they think about sex with you, it seems to them like an elaborate performance that requires far more work than they have the strength for. Therefore, you may tone down on your moves, until your partners catches up with you. Actually, let's forget about creativity for one minute. Ask your wife what exactly she wants from you? If she says missionary style, great do it. If she says, just dry-hump me, oblige. Because, if you're doing this and doing that, and doing the other - you might be patting yourself at the back and calling yourself a stud, but she's only thinking, "this is too much!" So, first things first, find out what she likes. And when she's willing to try exploring another favourite of hers, follow her lead. As you are doing this, please don't forget to make your own requests. There are two people in this business. Both deserve to be equally satisfied. 

If however, you try everything and it doesn't work, you may consider seeing a doctor or a psychologist. 

I sincerely hope that my response helped.