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How to worship the Nigerian god

The Nigerian god is one. It may have many different manifestations, but it is essentially different sides of the same coin. Sometimes, adherents of the different sides may fight and kill each other. But Nigerians essentially follow the Nigerian god.

This article is for all those who want to become better worshippers. If you are a new or prospective convert, God will bless you for choosing the Nigerian god. This is just how you must worship him.

First, you must understand that being a worshipper has nothing to do with character, good works or righteousness. So the fact that you choose to open every meeting with multiple prayers does not mean that you intend to do what is right. The opening prayer is important. Nothing can work without it. If you are gathered to discuss how to inflate contracts, begin with an opening prayer or two. If you are gathered to discuss how to rig elections, begin with a prayer. The Nigerian god appreciates communication.

When you sneak away from your wife to call your girlfriend in the bathroom, and she asks if you will come this weekend, you must say—in addition to “Yes”—“By God’s grace” or “God willing”. It doesn’t matter the language you use. Just add it. The Nigerian god likes to be consulted before you do anything, including a trip to Obudu to see your lover.

When worshipping the Nigerian god, be loud. No, the Nigerian god is not hard of hearing. It is just that he appreciates your loud fervour, like he appreciates loud raucous music. The Nigerian god doesn’t care if you have neighbours and neither should you. When you are worshipping in your house, make sure the neighbours can’t sleep. Use loud speakers even if you are only two in the building. Anyone who complains must be evil. God will judge such a person.

Attribute everything to the Nigerian god. So, if you diverted funds from public projects and are able to afford that Phantom, when people say you have a nice car, say, “Na God”. If someone asks what the secret of all your wealth is, say, “God has been good to me”. By this you mean the Nigerian god who gave you the uncommon wisdom to re-appropriate public funds.

Consult the Nigerian god when you don’t feel like working. The Nigerian god understands that we live in a harsh climate where it is hard to do any real work. So, if you have no clue how to be in charge and things start collapsing, ask people to pray to God and ask for his intervention.

The Nigerian god loves elections and politics. When you have bribed people to get the Party nomination, used thugs to steal and stuff ballot boxes, intimidated people into either sitting at home or voting for you, lied about everything from your assets to your age, and you eventually, (through God’s grace), win the elections, you must begin by declaring that your success is the wish of God and that the other candidate should accept this will of God. It is not your fault whom the Nigerian god chooses to reward with political success. How can mere mortals complain?

The Nigerian god does not tolerate disrespect. If someone insults your religion, you must look for anyone like them and kill them. Doesn’t matter what you use—sticks, machetes, grenade launchers, IED’s, AK47’s.

The Nigerian god performs signs and wonders. He does everything from cure HIV to High BP. And the Nigerian god is creative: he can teach a person who was born blind the difference between blue and green when the man of god asks, and he can teach a person born deaf instant English. As a worshipper you must let him deliver you because every case of sickness is caused by evil demons and not infections. Every case of barrenness is caused by witches and has no scientific explanation. So instead of hospital, visit agents of the Nigerian god. But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him.

If you worship the Nigerian god, you are under no obligation to be nice or kind to people who are not worshippers. They deserve no courtesy.

The Nigerian god is also online. As a worshipper, you are not obliged to be good or decent on Facebook or twitter all week except on Friday and Sunday, both of which the Nigerian god marks as holy. So you may forward obscene photos, insult people, forward lewd jokes on all days except the holy days. On those holy days, whichever applies to you, put up statuses saying how much you are crazy about God.

These days, the Nigerian god also permits tweets and Facebook updates like: "Now in Church" or "This guy in front of me needs to stop dozing" when performing acts of worship.

In all, the Nigerian god is very kind and accommodating. He gives glory and riches and private jets. And if you worship him well, he will immensely bless your hustle.


Comments

The writer has just saiD it all. We only claim to be godly in nigeria and yet d worst criminals. Or how do u explain d increase in d number of churches and mosques in the face of all these wanton looting and killinGs everywhere? We are jst a joker and self righteous nation and the time to wakE up is now.

This write-up is so apt. Some priests preach one thing but do the opposit. In the end, the true woshipper knows himself, because no matter what, you can't lie to yourself.

People lie to God everyday..what makes you think they wont lie to themselves? The problem is that they lie to themselves so much, they begin to think of it as THEIR truth. Giving themselves undue titles, praises and accolades - what do you call that?

Thank God the nigerian god does not debate gay marriage on its upper and lower floors,the chief priest is not a racist,it does not amputate or behead humans lıke some other gods, neither has it legalized abortion nor celebrate nudity under "in God we trust".In all,the gods must be crazy because they all do not have the fear of GOD

Well the people who formed that motto DID trust in God but society has changed and I doubt that they believe there is a God for them to trust.However the nigerian God might not be racist but is definitely tribalist. Debate gay marriage? Humph! The Nigerian God does not debate anything.And did I mdntion that the Nigerian God loves offerings? Let's not divert attention to the Americans or anyone else. We are an utterly and hopelessly Godless people in Nigeria.

Well, the men that wrote 'in God we trust' ,also kept their fellow men(blacks) as slaves and raped the black women at will.

Its not only in Nigeria people have been using the name of God in vain.

Its high time we allowed reasoning take its central place & stop trusting all these stories.

We are just a religious Country and not Godly people period!

"But the Nigerian god does not cure corruption. Do not attempt to mock him".
If corruption should be cured, that would amount to shooting his self on both foot!
The steady monthly 10% what do you call it? will trickle down to nothing.
Thank you Brother for painting the picture in its true colour.

A biting if accurate and brilliant critique of the Nigerian situation. Keep the articles coming Elnathan!
Excellent!!!

Lmho! I just love the way this was written. U can never go wrong with sarcasm.

Permit me to say "god help us". :D

BRAVO, writer!

The Nigerian god:the one a prostitute and a yahoo yahoo boy/girl prays to to bless their hustle; the one a drunken driver who wil bore you with poorly recorded religious tunes pray to while exceeding the speed limits and endangering piles lives; the one responsible for road constructions that has its allocated funds spent on the latest cars and houses purchased by the politician. Pple need to wake up. Love the article

Let the yahoo yahoo rest for God's sake,are they the cause of our problems in this country when corruption is the order of the day from the presidency to the least legislator and all politician.Call a spade a spade,these corrupt leaders are the cause of our problems in this country,after all yahoo or prostitution is not responsible for economic hardship.MAy God help us as the writer has said.

Our God is truly magnificent, that he should let you write such an eloquent and amusing article without striking you down immediately with leprosy, baldness, irritable bowel syndrome or anything else that only Mama Ilaka's 3-in-1 potion (available from all good herbalists) can cure.

When I was a boy the expression "God punish you" was about the surest sign that the Nigerian god is somehow also human, for surely it was a human who was just about to show you how god manifests his power, with what every good Nigerian recognises as a gift from god - a 'detty' slap!

It is a great article. Many great comments have been posted. Permit me, however, to ask how many of us (particularly everyone who has read this piece) will enlist among those who will make a commitment to ending the nigerian culture of hypocrisy.

all it takes to turn things around in any nation is one person. why don't you and i get the ball rolling?

Do you mean you have an organisation where people act instead of talking? cos, i'm ready to do something positive instead of just talking, like we always do in Nigeria...
You can reach me on
08066532354
elhassan.ariyibi@yahoo.com

This has to be one of the best articles I have read in a while. A Must read for all nigerians.. I am sure that they will see themselves in at least one of the paragraphs.

Makes me think...

Where the ability of the so called irresponsible Nigerian gods ends, that of the true God begins. What the Nigerian gods cannot do, the true God can certainly do. So, the latter will help rid Nigeria of corruption and all other societal ills. The true God will also help get rid of the so called Nigerian gods at all levels.

Amen! I couldn't have said it better! The real God will indeed cure Nigeria of all her false gods!

hilarious yet pathetic.

Brilliant!

We're so religious yet so corrupt! This Nigeria god's minister can't preach against corruption, why? It will reduce collection in whatever form!

This Nigeria god is taking us backward by many years. The 'Naija' god made Dame PJ ask for retirement benefit to be included in the Constitution for wives of political office holders. This Naija god is strive on crass material accumulation!

Mayt God save us from this Naija god!

Sheer Genius!

Spot on. Nigerians are the biggest hypocrites with a very warped view of reality. My mum cannot complete a single sentence without a reference to a christain God she believes does everything for her. Even the money I send her on a regular basis is through this magical 'God' imported from the west that I don't believe in. After breaking my back working long hours in my day job, I am beginning to feel like this 'God' that takes all the cvredit for my hard work is beggining to take the piss.

Wonderfully put! And what has this God done for them? Nothing.

Sad but true... painful ugly truth!

But this Nigerian god has not solved any of our problems yet, for 50years
and we are still waiting....
A very beautiful piece ... Need to read this every day...

@Truthhurts...Sorry to say you are dead wrong. This Nigerian god has made lots of millionaires and billionaires out of a myriad of formerly very poor Nigerians. I hear Otedollar was a nobody before the Nigerian god blessed him with tons of oil subsidy money. I hear Obasanjo had only N20K to his name when he was released from prison before the Nigeria god blessed him very well with being a rigged in President of Nigeria who was also the oil minister for 7 yrs of his civilian presidency. People like 'Dis'-honorables Lawan & Hambe were seeking their own blessings, but ran aground. This Nigerian god likes thanksgiving, the author forgot to mention. Like Bode George, when u get out of prison for stealing public monies, remember to ask the pastors of the Nigerian god to arrange a thanksgiving for you. Deme Patience was recently blessed with a Perm Sec by the Nigerian god. Arunma Oteh also got her blessing, so did our oil minister, Alison Daizeni-Madueke. Boko Harem and their dastardly bombings are works of the Nigerian god. Kidnappers, armed bandits, rapists of little children, police thugs on highway who collect at checkpoints, offer some supplications to the Nigerian god to guide them in their callous ventures. Hey, don't forget our airline operators, the Nigeria drivers, Army officers who drive on RBT lanes, etc. No doubt about it, the Nigerian god is very good to its worshipers. Abia State governor is the biggest devotee of the Nigerian god because this god has blessed him bountifully with Abia State allocations with which he's buying up every vacant lot in Umuahia.

You are a GENIUS BRO and may GOD bless your hustle. I cannot stop laughing.Would you consider doing this as a stand-up comic?

Thanks a lot for your kind comments

Hello Elnathan

I love this piece of yours and i would like to continue from where you stop about the Nigerian god. I guess there's more to the Nigerian god thank we imagined. The Nigerian god is one great one. his name is mighty! lool!!!

Now,which god?

With all your comments duly noted, pls observe that the writer is not trying to Undermine or Dispute the existence of God. He is only trying to show how most of us in our folly have clothed ourself with hypocrisy as a substitute for living a truly honest and righteous life. God no be anybody mate and no matter as u take speak grammar reach, you will account for every idle,misguided statement that proceeds 4rm ur lips. My dear writer, d 10% is not compulsory so don't venture in2 murky waters, be guided.

Thank you for capturing a very important part of our daily life as Nigerians. Hopefully, someone somewhere gets the message.

I believe that its an insignificant few who are corrupt in Nigeria. This country is blessed. We give full meaning to the saying that: evil thrives when good men stand aside and do nothing!...and if I may follow the writer's view...because we are waiting for God's will.

I do not believe an insignificant few are corrupt-corruption is as simple as a market woman putting rotten tomatoes at the bottom of her basket,and putting the fresh ones on top, and passing it off as a whole basket of good tomatoes. Corruption is as simple as someone selling books that were supposed to be given out for free. Corruptionis in EVERY aspect of our lives. I'm sure everyone has done at least one corrupt act-and believe me, all of us contribute to the fabric of corruption.

It is unfortunate that the actions of some Nigerians have inspired this intensely cynical article. There are several Nigerians who understand the dictates of the Bible and attempt to live by them daily. glad that your article uses "g" not "G". I pray that you the writer find a true relationship with the Almighty God and understand that man without Christ is pathetic and remains in a fallen state regardless of what they outwardly profess.

may the true God, not the Nigerian god truly bless u for this article. my 'bele sweet wella' when i scrolled through your excellent piece. I think I am guilty as well. 1 finger points to others, the other 4 points back to you. lets stop this nonsense Nigerian dogma of the Nigerian god syndrome and do what is morally right. I think our value system over the years have terribly deteriorated even with the huge influx of the many churches and mosque. May the true God deliver us from these lunatics that call themselves pastors and imams.

I'm with you tasha, the greatest tragedy which can be engendered by this beautiful piece is to swing all the way in the opposite direction like bobby and say there is therefore no God. bobby, dare this God and see if that back you are so proudly breaking is what put the money in your pocket. i can assure you that if that back breaks for real tomorrow, your mom would certainly not go hungry because God will keep providing for her.

Dear Writer, You are a person after my own heart. I have always wondered how our people can be so religious and speak the name of God in each and every sentence yet evil continues to reign in abundance. It is as though by putting God in every sector of Nigerian life we have trivialized the creator of the universe and hence our people use God to do all types of evil. People evidently do not fear God or else our nation would be far greater than it is today. Maybe if we were an atheist nation where people took responsibility for the consequences of their actions and where hard work was blessed with merit perhaps then and only then can we become a Godly nation until that happens Nigeria is a nation of pharisees and hypocrites declaring loudly how we love God yet acting in Ungodly ways.

Nice piece.

This article sums up the Nigerian approach to religion brilliantly. To much of everything, including religion, is not good. I'm all for sincere religion, or anything that enables one get through. But the hyper-religiosity of Nigerians can be nauseating. Everything is about god...god this, god that. We have cheapened and abused god.

Our value system in this country is warped. We profess to be godly but our actions show the complete opposite. Our passion for material accumulation is unrivalled, even among the clergy. We only call God but have no fear of the true God. May the true God save us.

This is an excellent write up. The nigerian god. Gaskiya ne ka fada. Naijaman thanks for the addition too. I am ttwitting this article sharp sharp. Nice work

Sad but true. Our mentality has been eroded by the 'Nigeria god' itz a shame!!

This article vividly reminds me of peter pan (enahoro) articles published in :/how to be a nigerian/. Your write up in this dark comedy x-rayed aspects of our “religiousness“ which we need to examine.
Just to add that this nigerian god of your creation is highly improvisational. It (or he?) can often b interpreted or misinterpreted by its (or his?) nigerian worshippers to suit their circumstances and mood. So the nigerian god has many faces. Like comedian gordons said: “no matter how u look, there is a scripture for u.

Nigerians don't have gods. Most of us are too religious and most preachers(insincere MOGs) makes us believe that because we are saved by grace the grace is sufficient for us. So we need not do the right thing like hard work after prayers. Smartness has be made to replace integrity. Hmn! God will help us if we help ourself.But God dey watch.

This is wonderful, on point aπϑ extremely funny :d

Who ever wrote this, I really want to be ur friend.
Mail ♍ε̲̣̣̣̥, we have a lot to discuss.
Weldone :)

GOOD ARTICLE*

IF ONLY ALL THIS COMMENTS WERE FROM NIGERIANS WHO DO NOT SERVE THE NIGERIAN GOD!

LETS START FROM THERE!...

THE WRITER, AND WE THE READERS WITH OUR "MINUS ME" COMMENTS*

ok... I see the true picture those Bishops & Imans that are praying for their members who are looting public funds every day in Nigeria.

of a truth they worship the "NIGERIAN GOD"

Don,t associate God to evils that people do in Nigeria.Corruption,stealing public funds,stealing elections,lying,419,drug trafficking etcs to some Nigerian god.These are all the evils they do ,then say na god god give me wealth or make me win the election or help my church grow big and l was able to buy that expensive car or private jet or whatever .When you die,God will judge you by what you did on earth.Then tell God all those lies you have been telling people on earth

Thanks @Elnathan, the best I've ever read on this issue. By me, it is the alpha and omega of what i call the tripod of our problems in Nigeria namely Religiousity, Gullibility and Corruption. You may wish to see my contribution in Facebook notes. That said, there is nothing more to add than to promise to share it as much as possible in the hope that your desired far reaching impact will be made. Thanks onceagain. May your ink never dry. More grease to your elbows.

Who wrote this article, I want to kiss him or her on the face.
We are Nigerians, we are the most religious group in the world yet we are the least Godly. We quote the parts of the Quran or Bible that justifies our actions and we forget the passages before and after it. We think going to church or mosques makes us better than people who don’t and we think judgement is ours as we are after all Children of God.
We think the only way to sow seed is to pay tithe, yet we give our house helps, gate men and drivers nonsense salaries and only left over’s to eat. We assume because God has been so kind to us by making us Rich/bosses automatically means that we must treat people benefit us like crap as they are there because God doesn’t love them as much as He loves us.
Hoooooo..... we also think whatever religion/faith we are is the only way to heaven, all other people who are of different faiths, group or sect no matter how Kind are automatically destined for hell fire. Yope! We are Nigerians, God bless us but never our neighbours.

Who wrote this article, I want to kiss him or her on the face.
We are Nigerians, we are the most religious group in the world yet we are the least Godly. We quote the parts of the Quran or Bible that justifies our actions and we forget the passages before and after it. We think going to church or mosques makes us better than people who don’t and we think judgement is ours as we are after all Children of God.
We think the only way to sow seed is to pay tithe, yet we give our house helps, gate men and drivers nonsense salaries and only left over’s to eat. We assume because God has been so kind to us by making us Rich/bosses automatically means that we must treat people benefit us like crap as they are there because God doesn’t love them as much as He loves us.
Hoooooo..... we also think whatever religion/faith we are is the only way to heaven, all other people who are of different faiths, group or sect no matter how Kind are automatically destined for hell fire. Yope! We are Nigerians, God bless us but never our neighbours.

Exceptional article, everyone claim to know the true God not knowing God is pure & Holy. There shall be drama on judgement day. Whether you serve the true God or not, the Almighty will be in charge on the last day bcos the devil will also joint the queue. Guide your conscience friends. It's really a food for thought!

This article is the shit. I totally loved it. We get these loving articles around the world, too.
Seriously, there is a Nigerian god. I mean, every facet of oour lives has that deitys finger prints all over it. Hahaha. The laughter never ends.

Poverty leads to crime, and until we have fought poverty successfully, crime will continue to rise. A lot of people in Nigeria are very hypocritical, and you here people shouting Blood of Jesus all the time, but they are persecuting the Lord Jesus every minute of the day. Until we stop believeing that all the problems we have in Nigeria is caused by evil demons, witches and wizards, then we will remain in darkness. Some of the problems we face are caused by ourselves.

I am so so much impress with this compilation. I am also going to spread this because I believe this can save one or two Nigerians from this get rich quick in the name of God....

most people never believe in the possibility of a sin-free life, so they go about saying "nobody is without sin." Jesus is coming for a sin-free (without spot or wrinkle and blamless) bride. Hebrews 4:15 talks about Jesus saying "...was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin." some think Jesus was only tempted 3 times for His whole life that's why He was without sin. Thats wrong. The above verse says just the way we are tempted now He was also tempted but still lived aboved sin. One thing i see here is that the colour of sin has not changed, its not more attractive than before as most people think, just that sin has defeated many already in their confession and imagination, that they can't free it. Let us see and profess our victory sin. Jesus is coming for the sin-free. Sin-free is freedom from sin, so when you say this is impossible you are a slave to sin....

SOOOOO TRUE!!!

Nicely put and all soooo true...

What's to add?

Well written page. Nigerian god support the case of a Nigerian player whose twin brother is older than him while the said man is younger. Nigerian god blesses the looters and they go to church to testify of his goodness. Nigerian god makes you sing 'come and see what the lord has done' after you had robbed them! Nigerian god dry try.

The Nigerian God is actually fashioned after the American God of the Televangelists. It's pathetic. Thanks for the article.

I really wish all of these thieves on the pulpit will read this. Even if they decide not to read it, I hope the gullible ones will do and at least for once open their eyes.

Thank you very much elnathan! May God rid His Church of these filthy elements.

I feel most Nigerians pray because they know the True God is a forgiving one.

They believe whatever they do is ok as long as they remember to pray for forgiveness! Oh how we twist the messages of the Holy Bible!

Nice article,beautifully crafted & well articulated, Elnathan.

But I do question ur motive behind this write-up. You succeeded in pointing out all the evils in the religious aspects of Nigeria which are already visible to everyone in the nation. But you failed to give us a solution 2 the problems outlined. I just hope you are not an atheist trying to cause more harm than there is already.
You trust in science but still there are those of us who believe and will always hold on to the SOVEREIGN GOD

The Nigerian god we are talkin about here is money and nothing else.Our present fathers have been carried away with their unsatiable appetite for earthly riches in so much that our moral values has become distorted.I was born into the system and so grew up with same mentality as it is with all that has commented here including the writer,we are all victims no matter how righteous u think u are.But the issue here is not about us condeming ourselves even though we know this is the truth,we must all seek for the face of the true God who is able to cleanse out our corrupted blood with his own divine blood and impart us with the virtues from above which are;honesty,contentment,purity,selflessness,love,faith,hope,peace,joy,righteousness,patience etc I can go on but these are just what we need and evryone needs to workout his\her own salvation.The true God is none other than the Father of our Lord Jesus christ the son of the living God and only him can save! My generation will never live with these present mentality of Nigerians that's my prayer and vision for this nation! But I have to remove the speck in my eye first bfore seeing the ones in other ppl's eyes to talk of helping them remove it.are u removing urs or have u been able to remove urs? Workout ur own salvation!

These are Signs of the end-times as it unveil within the geo-political area called Nigeria. Every nation of the world has it own peculiar manifestation of it.The issues raised go beyond Nigeria.
But the goodnews is that our generation still have the opportunity to make ammends before it gets too late. For if in this life only,we have hope in Christ we are of all men most to be pitied.
May God have mercy on our evil generation! Shalom!

Great article and from the comments, you can be sure that you've made your point.
Now can you then tell us about the true God and if there are any Nigerian that is following this God. It would not be hypocrisy for you to declare openly the god you follow - be it the Nigerian god or any other one you believe in.

One thing I find in most of the responses is a clear misunderstanding of the article. The writer simply presented the hypocrisy that pervade our national life, and unknown to him, showed what religion is- man's fruitless effort.
The truth we have failed to know is that there is a clear difference between religion and Godliness. Religion is man's fruitless search for God through his personal efforts. Unfortunately he is sinful in nature, so cannot attain Godliness by this self effort. It is for this reason that God sent his son Jesus Christ to bring salvation to man so that he can become Godly. Only true faith in Jesus Christ can make a man Godly.This true faith is what Christianity teaches.
Regrettable, so many so called Christians in Nigeria practice christianity as a religion (man's fruitless effort) rather than "A WAY OF LIFE". The early believers in Jesus Christ were called CHRISTIANS (Christlike) not by what they said, but by what they did and how they lived their daily lives. And I tell you the truth, there are still a few who believe in Jesus Christ, and live like him in this country, so hope is not lost. But for those who simply practice religion and commit all sort of havoc in the name of God, there is definitely a day of judgement.
So readers should not be misguided. The God of heaven is real and true. Those who worship him must worship him in spirit and truth. Those who blaspheme against will receive their rewards. Let any man who nameth the name of the Lord depart from iniquity.

It seems to me that the writer's intent was to highlight the hypocrisy that plagues our land not to deny the existence of God or true religion. To that end, some of the comments appear to have missed the point. There is a God and there is a right way, not believing it doesn't make it any less true. One day we will all face Him and be judged for what we did, didn't do, believed or didn't believe. Regarding the hypocrisy, let's all start with ourselves. How do we live? It's one thing to desire change and identify ills but a completely different thing to be self righteous. Let the one without sin cast the first stone.

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